OCD

I have OCD

I have OCD. I am ashamed of it. I am sometimes proud of it, too.

I have OCD and everything around me HAS to be organised. Every aspect of my life must fit in its own little compartment; everything has to be where it is meant to be.

I have OCD. If things are not arranged my way, anxiety floods over me.

I have OCD. Whatever I do for work, for my blog, even a birthday card to my mum has to be checked ten times before I can submit it or send it.

I have OCD. If I notice the curtains are not hanging the way they are supposed to be, I must rearrange them there and then. It becomes my priority. CDs have to be ordered in alphabetical order, by artist and also by album. It is not how I like things to be. It is how things HAVE to be.

I have OCD. When I go to bed, I need to hear the sound of the safety gate as I close it. I have to close the front room door, the one that is slightly noisy, so that if intruders get in during the night, there is a chance we will hear them and we might not get murdered in our sleep.

I have OCD. I always do things in the same order when I have a bath. The last thing I do when I go to bed is kiss each one of my children, telling them I love them. When I am worried about anything, I have to touch my right temple with my right index finger. If I fail to do so, terrible things will happen.

I gave OCD and awful thoughts cross my mind. We never start a road trip without me visualising all of us dying in a gruesome car crash.

I have OCD. When we are just about to leave the house for our holidays, I have to be the last one in the house, checking that everything is in its place, making sure every window is locked, the gas oven turned off, and ensuring every piece of electrical equipment has been turned off. If hubby goes back in the house because he has forgotten something, I have to go back in and check it all again.

I have OCD and I have to do those things because if I do not do them, I will have this dreadful gut feeling, this awful taste in my mouth that tells me the house will have burnt down whilst we were away.

I have OCD and life with me must be a nightmare.

I have OCD and I am scared to press the ‘publish’ button because I am ashamed of who I am and I know you will judge me. I am naked, exposed. I am vulnerable and that goes against everything I do every day to feel in control.

I have OCD and I love my family.

I have OCD and I want to change, let go, be less obsessive about things I know do not matter yet I cannot let go of.

I have OCD and I will try my best to make little baby steps towards a less OCD me because if I died tomorrow, I would like to be remembered as a loving, caring wife and mother, not as the person I am now, with my freakish obsessions.

I have OCD and I have made the decision to change. This confession is my first step towards normality.

And then the fun began...

Comments

  1. adeline
    16/08/2014 / 10:27 am

    tu m’acceptes dans ton club???? mais le niveau en-dessous quand même!!!! hihi!!!!!

    • 16/08/2014 / 10:48 pm

      Evidemment que je t’accepte dans mon club… mais je ne suis pas certaine que tu veuilles en faire partie.

  2. Alexandra Mercer (Life of mummy)
    16/08/2014 / 4:27 pm

    I think it was very brave of you to write this. I go through stages and know how much anxiety OCD causes but I am grateful it is not always with me as it’s exhausting. Half the solution is recognising and accepting you have the problem which you’ve done, congratulations xxx

    • 16/08/2014 / 10:47 pm

      Thanks Alex, your comment means a lot. I really hesitated pressing ‘publish’.

  3. Ce
    16/08/2014 / 7:37 pm

    You have already come a long way and are less OCD than a couple of years ago so it can only get better . And the most important is that we love you the way you are!

    • 16/08/2014 / 9:53 pm

      Thanks sweetie. xxxxx

  4. 17/08/2014 / 10:49 pm

    Oh Mel, this was an incredibly brave post to write and you should feel proud of yourself for having the courage to do it. I hope you are getting the support you need. I think this shows how much you love your family. Best wishes. Julie x

    • 21/08/2014 / 12:22 am

      Julie, thanks a lot for your comment. At the moment, part of me still feels ashamed for publishing this post, but knowing it is there will make me make little changes. Hopefully, I will manage to control some of those agonising feelings and help me become a nicer ‘me’.

  5. 20/08/2014 / 8:37 am

    You are a very brave lady to admit this out loud my dear. Admitting there is an issue to tackle is a massive step towards getting better, and I wish you every success in overcoming your OCD. Big hugs to you Mel xx

    • 21/08/2014 / 12:09 am

      It was an easy one to write, but such a tough one to publish. Now it is all in the open, I feel I have to act upon it and be less ‘me’ and become more relaxed and happy. Thanks a lot for your comment, lovely.

      • 21/08/2014 / 5:28 am

        You’ll get there hon, nothing is easy or instant xx

  6. 31/08/2014 / 8:17 pm

    Absolutely love you Mel!
    – The ‘publish’ one …I honestly believe you can always press it. You see naked. I see a kind, genuine, honest, loving mum (…Who may well be, like many of us, a little too hard on herself!) <3

    I don't know how linking an instagram image works, but here goes nothing!
    You don't have to see the whole staircase just take the FIRST STEP!

    …And you did it!

    http://instagram.com/p/sRdFhjid3T/?modal=true

    • 01/09/2014 / 10:58 am

      This is such a lovely comment, Steph. Thanks. You are such a nice person. I wish you lived closer! So, so true about the staircase…

  7. 04/11/2014 / 6:39 pm

    Oh Mel, it is so clear that, if you died tomorrow, you would be remembered as a loving caring wife and mother! It was really brave to admit to all this and I really hope that it helped you to open up and share those things you aren’t happy with and want to change. I think on the one hand it is obviously a bad thing but it kind of shows that you are a careful person and one who will always keep her family safe. Have things improved in the last two months since you first posted this? Thanks so much for linking it up with The Truth about… X #thetruthabout

    • 04/11/2014 / 7:18 pm

      I am not sure about that, but that is very kind of you, Sam. Linking this post has reminded me that I still have a long way to go…

  8. 04/11/2014 / 8:24 pm

    Thank you so much for sharing! Although I do not have OCD, I do struggle with anxiety and depression. So much of this resonated with me. The obsessive thoughts are something I know far too well. The routines that need to be maintained to keep the anxiety at bay are something I’ve learned to live with. I think it is vitally important that those of us who fight these demons do so openly. The shame and stigma associated with mental illnesses does nothing but make the suffering worse and keep people from getting the help they need! I commend you on your bravery in sharing something so personal!

    • 11/11/2014 / 12:30 am

      I keep thinking about deleting this post actually. It felt good writing it, and by publishing it, I have made a contract with myself to change, but having it all on the Internet makes me feel quite vulnerable…

  9. 04/11/2014 / 10:57 pm

    Don’t be ashamed, be proud, proud, proud! And stop worrying about ‘freakish obsessions’ – OCD is a condition and it’s not freakish….I really hope that your baby steps have helped you over the last two months, keep on keeping on. #thetruthabout

    • 11/11/2014 / 12:21 am

      Baby steps, baby steps, but I think I am getting better (slowly). x

  10. 05/11/2014 / 12:09 am

    This is such a brave post, sorry I missed it first time around. It sounds like you’ve made a positive first step and change isn’t going to happen over night. The fact that worry that you’re not being a caring wife and mother says to me that you definitely are xx

    • 05/11/2014 / 12:31 am

      Thank you so much, Sara. x

  11. 05/11/2014 / 4:53 pm

    Well done you. This is indeed the first step. I had no idea at all. I know there is help out there for OCD sufferers, hope you get the sort you need. Good luck brave lady. You can do it! x

    • 11/11/2014 / 12:12 am

      Thanks Suzanne. I am working on it!

  12. Fiona Chick
    28/12/2014 / 10:55 pm

    Mel, I don’t think that OCD makes you any less of a mum or wife. In fact, is it weird of me to not find any of your confessions odd at all? I think that OCD can have a lot of negative connotations, but actually, I think it can have a lot of positive effects on life too. Perhaps you can never be too careful or thoughtful about things, although if you find that it is taking over your life, then perhaps taking steps towards letting it go would be a good change. I hope that you’re feeling less controlling over things you have no control over now that a few months have passed x

    • 28/12/2014 / 11:02 pm

      I have to say I noticed a big difference when we left for France on Tuesday, and it feels good to let go of things a bit. xx

      • Fiona Chick
        28/12/2014 / 11:03 pm

        That’s great to know, Mel. I hope you’re having a gorgeous time xx

        • 28/12/2014 / 11:09 pm

          Really relaxing x

  13. 22/01/2015 / 4:36 pm

    Well done for taking this step to write your feelings down, it must have been very difficult. I have just discovered your blog as we were both nominated by Shannon for ‘One Lovely Blog’. I have to agree with her, that you have a lovely blog. I’m not sure how long ago that you wrote this post, but I hope you are doing ok.
    Sending love and hope,
    Amanda. x

    • 02/02/2015 / 12:11 am

      Thanks a lot Amanda. Sorry for taking so long to reply to your comment. I always feel ill-at-ease when I remember I actually published this post! xx

  14. Thais
    19/02/2015 / 8:10 pm

    I just came across your blog and I thought I could relate with you in so many ways. And then I read this page and saw why. I also have OCD, properly diagnosed and treated. Most of the time I actually like it and being honest I think it makes me better at the mum job (for instance, I see most mums at school forgetting about stuff and dates all the time and it makes me cringe. Of course sometimes I do forget things, but being pathologically organised helps a lot to avoid it). However, sometimes it is a pain and a burden. Twice it had really affected my life negatively and I had to seek for help. Medication for a while to placate the “crisis” and cognitive therapy really helped me. If you feel it is hindering your life, don;t be afraid to get help! Good luck1

    • 23/02/2015 / 1:29 am

      Thanks for your lovely message, Thais. It really means a lot. I do like it most of the time, too, and I never try to hide it from people. It is just part of you, isn’t it?

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