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OCD

I have OCD

I have OCD. I am ashamed of it. I am sometimes proud of it, too.

I have OCD and everything around me HAS to be organised. Every aspect of my life must fit in its own little compartment; everything has to be where it is meant to be.

I have OCD. If things are not arranged my way, anxiety floods over me.

I have OCD. Whatever I do for work, for my blog, even a birthday card to my mum has to be checked ten times before I can submit it or send it.

I have OCD. If I notice the curtains are not hanging the way they are supposed to be, I must rearrange them there and then. It becomes my priority. CDs have to be ordered in alphabetical order, by artist and also by album. It is not how I like things to be. It is how things HAVE to be.

I have OCD. When I go to bed, I need to hear the sound of the safety gate as I close it. I have to close the front room door, the one that is slightly noisy, so that if intruders get in during the night, there is a chance we will hear them and we might not get murdered in our sleep.

I have OCD. I always do things in the same order when I have a bath. The last thing I do when I go to bed is kiss each one of my children, telling them I love them. When I am worried about anything, I have to touch my right temple with my right index finger. If I fail to do so, terrible things will happen.

I gave OCD and awful thoughts cross my mind. We never start a road trip without me visualising all of us dying in a gruesome car crash.

I have OCD. When we are just about to leave the house for our holidays, I have to be the last one in the house, checking that everything is in its place, making sure every window is locked, the gas oven turned off, and ensuring every piece of electrical equipment has been turned off. If hubby goes back in the house because he has forgotten something, I have to go back in and check it all again.

I have OCD and I have to do those things because if I do not do them, I will have this dreadful gut feeling, this awful taste in my mouth that tells me the house will have burnt down whilst we were away.

I have OCD and life with me must be a nightmare.

I have OCD and I am scared to press the ‘publish’ button because I am ashamed of who I am and I know you will judge me. I am naked, exposed. I am vulnerable and that goes against everything I do every day to feel in control.

I have OCD and I love my family.

I have OCD and I want to change, let go, be less obsessive about things I know do not matter yet I cannot let go of.

I have OCD and I will try my best to make little baby steps towards a less OCD me because if I died tomorrow, I would like to be remembered as a loving, caring wife and mother, not as the person I am now, with my freakish obsessions.

I have OCD and I have made the decision to change. This confession is my first step towards normality.

32 Comments

  1. 05/11/2014 / 4:53 pm

    Well done you. This is indeed the first step. I had no idea at all. I know there is help out there for OCD sufferers, hope you get the sort you need. Good luck brave lady. You can do it! x

    • Mel
      Author
      11/11/2014 / 12:12 am

      Thanks Suzanne. I am working on it!

  2. Fiona Chick
    28/12/2014 / 10:55 pm

    Mel, I don’t think that OCD makes you any less of a mum or wife. In fact, is it weird of me to not find any of your confessions odd at all? I think that OCD can have a lot of negative connotations, but actually, I think it can have a lot of positive effects on life too. Perhaps you can never be too careful or thoughtful about things, although if you find that it is taking over your life, then perhaps taking steps towards letting it go would be a good change. I hope that you’re feeling less controlling over things you have no control over now that a few months have passed x

    • Mel
      Author
      28/12/2014 / 11:02 pm

      I have to say I noticed a big difference when we left for France on Tuesday, and it feels good to let go of things a bit. xx

      • Fiona Chick
        28/12/2014 / 11:03 pm

        That’s great to know, Mel. I hope you’re having a gorgeous time xx

        • Mel
          Author
          28/12/2014 / 11:09 pm

          Really relaxing x

  3. chocolatepages
    22/01/2015 / 4:36 pm

    Well done for taking this step to write your feelings down, it must have been very difficult. I have just discovered your blog as we were both nominated by Shannon for ‘One Lovely Blog’. I have to agree with her, that you have a lovely blog. I’m not sure how long ago that you wrote this post, but I hope you are doing ok.
    Sending love and hope,
    Amanda. x

    • Mel
      Author
      02/02/2015 / 12:11 am

      Thanks a lot Amanda. Sorry for taking so long to reply to your comment. I always feel ill-at-ease when I remember I actually published this post! xx

  4. Thais
    19/02/2015 / 8:10 pm

    I just came across your blog and I thought I could relate with you in so many ways. And then I read this page and saw why. I also have OCD, properly diagnosed and treated. Most of the time I actually like it and being honest I think it makes me better at the mum job (for instance, I see most mums at school forgetting about stuff and dates all the time and it makes me cringe. Of course sometimes I do forget things, but being pathologically organised helps a lot to avoid it). However, sometimes it is a pain and a burden. Twice it had really affected my life negatively and I had to seek for help. Medication for a while to placate the “crisis” and cognitive therapy really helped me. If you feel it is hindering your life, don;t be afraid to get help! Good luck1

    • Mel
      Author
      23/02/2015 / 1:29 am

      Thanks for your lovely message, Thais. It really means a lot. I do like it most of the time, too, and I never try to hide it from people. It is just part of you, isn’t it?

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