Panic!

I have been panicky this week. It is not a nice feeling. Have I mentioned that I do not feel prepared for the birth of my little girl?

I have that odd obsession about my kitchen cupboards. They are a mess. I am not exaggerating. Just picture this… if you removed the safety locks, everything would just fall out of the cupboards. That is the kind of mess I am talking about.  I want those kitchen cabinets deep-cleaned and organised before I go into labour, but I still have my day job as well as an evening job from home and frankly, at the moment, I am struggling to manage basic things like making sure we are all fed and wearing clean clothes. Nesting should be the last thing on my mind, but I get so compulsive at the end of my pregnancies I have found it really hard not doing any of it this time round.

On Sunday night, just before I went to bed, I started hyperventilating. That little ‘panic attack’ came out of nowhere and it really took me ages to calm my breathing down. Getting up at 6.18 a.m. on Monday was a real struggle but being at work was bliss as everyone has been really lovely and when I am there, I am too busy to think.

I think my feeling of unpreparedness really came through on Monday evening when I casually asked hubby what our plan was for when I go into labour. I am fully aware we had not really discussed it before and things do not just happen without you planning anything but somehow I just thought we had a vague plan. I have packed a case for the children after all (complete with everything they might need for 24 hours, including tons of food for Jumpy and entertainment for the three of them). We just have not figured out exactly what we were going to do with our three little ones when labour starts.

Guess what hubby answered? No, wait, you cannot possibly guess so let me tell you what my husband casually said to a 39 week pregnant lady (please note that he was really serious):

Hubby: “I’ll call my dad.”

Me: “What?”

Hubby: “Yeah, that’s the plan. I’ll call my dad and he’ll pack his bags straight away and come to look after the kids. That’s the plan, hun!”

At this point, he was really proud of himself and I started panicking…

Me: “But your dad lives four hours away…”

Hubby: “We’ll just call Cé then.” (Can you tell hubby is really laid-back?)

Me: “She lives 45 minutes away, has a toddler, and she might be at work (or sleeping) when I go into labour.”

Great plan! Hubby then proudly came home from work yesterday with a colleague’s phone number. She lives around the corner and has seen the children twice.

Here is my plan (Hubby is still convinced his is ‘the’ plan, as if!). I think Aimee, who sees the children all the time and lives really close to us would probably be our best first call. As she is away this week-end, Loraine, who has three children the exact same ages as ours (they all love each other) has also offered to have the children. Sounds much more sensible…

The overwhelming sense of panic does not stop there. I worked on Monday night and ended up going to bed way too late. After about an hour of not managing to fall sleep, I realised I had not felt Wriggly move for what seemed like hours despite my stroking her. A t 1.30 a.m., I got out of bed, went downstairs and prodded the bump to try to wake Wriggly up. No such luck. I went to the loo hoping it would make her move, but it did not. I had a cold drink, shone a bright light at the bump and prodded her some more. Nothing. Not one single kick.  I started to panic again and let my mind drift away to dark thoughts. Not good. As I went back to bed and put on my birth hypnotherapy tracks on just after 2 a.m., she started moving and I fell asleep, reassured… Overreacting, me? Never! That put all my previous panicking into perspective as what matters the most is my baby, her being healthy and coming to this world when she is ready to. If I am not relaxed, she will not be relaxed. She is what matters the most and everything else can wait.

Dare I mention that I struggled to get up with the children on Wednesday morning? My 39 week appointment with the doctor, who said my little girl had a very strong heartbeat, was a great start to the day. Beanie and Jumpy were fascinated by the regular, soothing sound they could hear coming out of the Sonicaid.

I have also been ‘panic buying’. Just before I turn off the computer after work every night, I spend quarter of an hour ordering something. On Monday, it was dresses for the girls and a T-shirt for Crevette. On Tuesday, it was new duvet covers for the children and Wednesday night I did a quick food order. On Thursday, I made a John Lewis order for a lambskin, muslin squares and newborn vests… I do not normally do impulse buying, but I want to feel ready for our baby.

I am even panicky about today being my last day at work. It just makes the fact my due date is in four days so real and makes me feel so unprepared…  There is no space in the freezer for even a bag of breast milk, I have not even been near the loft to dig out the Bednest, Moses’ basket or changing table… OK, we do have clean baby clothes in a drawer, a couple of packs of nappies and a clean car seat. Just writing that makes me feel better actually.

Panicky, me? Never!